In my Fathers House...

After a long journey passing through Americas paranoid checkpoints loosing my toothpaste and being overcharged for my bags, swimming in the collective soup of airport people I find myself in my fathers house.
TSA my toothpaste is not a bomb! Its just a natural toothpaste!
I was blessed to get a seat in the aisle next to a man I could carry a substantial conversations with, so that really lifted my mood. Maybe its only me but I cant hold my self back from feeling crazy in a crowded airport,...maybe an end of the world judgment day would be so bad after all.
Wiping this crazy planet clean, like a serious detox.

It is great to be here and to be a guest in my fathers house. We are evolving our relationship and getting to know each other attempting an organic effort to catch up all the lost years. Family is important and I can see that many of us, including myself of course have a lot to learn from this relationships.
The lack of engagement or connection we have with our parents is often how we recreate our own close relationships in life. I had a dream as a kid to be guided through life and that and elder would take me under his wings and shows me the inns and outs of the life experience. Being an apprentice for someone, in a profession, in life or son to a father but those cards never played out like that for me and it brought me much heartache.

My own journey, seeking, adventuring became my rite of passage, and I became and apprentice for life through trial and error, practicing being my own guiding hand. There were beloved characters along the way, but I never were able to find that reliable bond that I had wished for. There was of course and is still valuable relationships along the the way that have brought me much wisdom and joy but Iam talking about that kind of stuff you see in the movies. The yoda, obi one kenobi kind of deal, but I guess that belongs to the movies.

My life would be fulfilled if I could play that role for someone, the role that I wished someone would have played for me. The guiding nourishing hand that is there rooted in a character with both presence and powerful words to there disposal. The mentor figur.

Its hard to do that whole mentoring by yourself kind of deal.
There is also always a pain of absence if your parents cant hold or play that role or may not even be interested. I grief for all lost sons out there and daughters that in the lack of this valuable resource have gone many miles barefooted through snow and desert. Its a hard journey and many people are unfortunately in that position, Discovering who you are without this relationships as a healthy base that you always can seek refuge in and communion with can leave one stranded seeking diamonds in the sand.
Without any mentoring, ones own potential are many times compromised by the long journey of doubtfulness and so forth that is created in the absence of that foundation.
Detours and a lot of time is lost digging through the trenches.

Of course with every wounds also comes a blessing and that which was not there can serve to bring a need to find and build from within in the long haul.
What has been lost are many times not found until we discover parts of ourselves effected by its losses.

We may have learned to live all our lives operating from our unhealed dynamics, and dysfunctional states since that is all we know. For some reason, that we have to discover on our own ,our cards were dealt in that certain way. Avoiding responsibility and self acceptance no matter how rough the road and the conditions may be will only lead to more suffering.

Iam here at my fathers house, in his domain and on a shelf near the piano there is pictures of me as a little boy. Maybe my father in his heart, in his depth, never left me, but constantly kept a relationship to the best of his ability  and capacity, -by now an again looking at those pictures of me.
Someone told me carry a picture of yourself as a kid and look at it everyday, and give a moment to your self and that innocence.

Deep emotions trapped inside, frozen under deep ice can melt away if you embrace the spring and the awareness of your heart. A part of my spring came when I managed to put some words together and express this to my father.

TFather

Many years ago you left us be on your way,

And still to this day you don’t have much to say

So much pain you left just because

You seemed to deny that you been its cause

Its been hard to be left not even with a word so far behind

We have been struggling to find some peace of mind

Maybe you on some level also suffer much inside

Cause we all know its exhausting to hide

Deeply I believe that everybody seek to acknowledge what has been done, 

cause no one truly wants to live a life on the run

Maybe that’s why I see a lack of presence in your eyes

Being present you would uncover the lies

Today I have left the prison you trapped me in for so many years

The pain of being lost have brought me so many tears

You have not done much to help me escape, but with love and support I have changed my fate

 

I can finally see, I am no longer blind

What was yours, was yours it was not mine

I have lived like a fool. A hobo and humiliated young broken man

Now I know that much of my pain is related to a fathers dishonorable hand

My honor was taken forsaken by you, but now I retrieve it I stand up for whats true

Finally out of my chains I stand up from my knees

Iam here to deliver your unpaid fees

Now Iam the sheriff and you the most wanted, and you can keep on running but you will always be haunted

Now we have tried with my efforts to bring some repair

To bridge our relation from an abyss of denial and despair

What is done its done, and whats lost will never be again,

But  much help is given when we can face that as men

I love you so much even though you been so far away

I guess I must thank you, for my unconventional character and way

When we seek compassion, and try to understand,

That which was broken can be can be healed by willing hand

So don’t shrug your shoulders an look to the side,

Feel your heart and look me right in the eye

So father I guess you and I we will start from here

Now that we have been honest, and faced our fear

Father, many years ago you just walked away,

And still to this day you have nothing to say