TSA my toothpaste is not a bomb! Its just a natural toothpaste!
I was blessed to get a seat in the aisle next to a man I could carry a substantial conversations with, so that really lifted my mood. Maybe its only me but I cant hold my self back from feeling crazy in a crowded airport,...maybe an end of the world judgment day would be so bad after all.
Wiping this crazy planet clean, like a serious detox.
It is great to be here and to be a guest in my fathers house. We are evolving our relationship and getting to know each other attempting an organic effort to catch up all the lost years. Family is important and I can see that many of us, including myself of course have a lot to learn from this relationships.
The lack of engagement or connection we have with our parents is often how we recreate our own close relationships in life. I had a dream as a kid to be guided through life and that and elder would take me under his wings and shows me the inns and outs of the life experience. Being an apprentice for someone, in a profession, in life or son to a father but those cards never played out like that for me and it brought me much heartache.
My own journey, seeking, adventuring became my rite of passage, and I became and apprentice for life through trial and error, practicing being my own guiding hand. There were beloved characters along the way, but I never were able to find that reliable bond that I had wished for. There was of course and is still valuable relationships along the the way that have brought me much wisdom and joy but Iam talking about that kind of stuff you see in the movies. The yoda, obi one kenobi kind of deal, but I guess that belongs to the movies.
My life would be fulfilled if I could play that role for someone, the role that I wished someone would have played for me. The guiding nourishing hand that is there rooted in a character with both presence and powerful words to there disposal. The mentor figur.
Its hard to do that whole mentoring by yourself kind of deal.
There is also always a pain of absence if your parents cant hold or play that role or may not even be interested. I grief for all lost sons out there and daughters that in the lack of this valuable resource have gone many miles barefooted through snow and desert. Its a hard journey and many people are unfortunately in that position, Discovering who you are without this relationships as a healthy base that you always can seek refuge in and communion with can leave one stranded seeking diamonds in the sand.
Without any mentoring, ones own potential are many times compromised by the long journey of doubtfulness and so forth that is created in the absence of that foundation.
Detours and a lot of time is lost digging through the trenches.
Of course with every wounds also comes a blessing and that which was not there can serve to bring a need to find and build from within in the long haul.
What has been lost are many times not found until we discover parts of ourselves effected by its losses.
We may have learned to live all our lives operating from our unhealed dynamics, and dysfunctional states since that is all we know. For some reason, that we have to discover on our own ,our cards were dealt in that certain way. Avoiding responsibility and self acceptance no matter how rough the road and the conditions may be will only lead to more suffering.
Iam here at my fathers house, in his domain and on a shelf near the piano there is pictures of me as a little boy. Maybe my father in his heart, in his depth, never left me, but constantly kept a relationship to the best of his ability and capacity, -by now an again looking at those pictures of me.
Someone told me carry a picture of yourself as a kid and look at it everyday, and give a moment to your self and that innocence.
Deep emotions trapped inside, frozen under deep ice can melt away if you embrace the spring and the awareness of your heart. A part of my spring came when I managed to put some words together and express this to my father.
TFather
Many years ago you left us be on
your way,
And still to this day you don’t have
much to say
So much pain you left just because
You seemed to deny that you been its
cause
Its been hard to be left not even
with a word so far behind
We have been struggling to find some
peace of mind
Maybe you on some level also suffer
much inside
Cause we all know its exhausting to
hide
Deeply I believe that everybody seek
to acknowledge what has been done,
cause no one truly wants to live a life on
the run
Maybe that’s why I see a lack of
presence in your eyes
Being present you would uncover the
lies
Today I have left the prison you
trapped me in for so many years
The pain of being lost have brought
me so many tears
You have not done much to help me
escape, but with love and support I have changed my fate
I can finally see, I am no longer
blind
What was yours, was yours it was not
mine
I have lived like a fool. A hobo and
humiliated young broken man
Now I know that much of my pain is
related to a fathers dishonorable hand
My honor was taken forsaken by you,
but now I retrieve it I stand up for whats true
Finally out of my chains I stand up
from my knees
Iam here to deliver your unpaid fees
Now Iam the sheriff and you the most
wanted, and you can keep on running but you will always be haunted
Now we have tried with my efforts to
bring some repair
To bridge our relation from an abyss
of denial and despair
What is done its done, and whats
lost will never be again,
But much help is given when we can face that as
men
I love you so much even though you
been so far away
I guess I must thank you, for my
unconventional character and way
When we seek compassion, and try to understand,
That which was broken can be can be
healed by willing hand
So don’t shrug your shoulders an
look to the side,
Feel your heart and look me right in
the eye
So father I guess you and I we will
start from here
Now that we have been honest, and
faced our fear
Father, many years ago you just
walked away,
And still to this day you have
nothing to say
